


Steps

by Nervouscrashh



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2019-09-25 00:47:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17111270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nervouscrashh/pseuds/Nervouscrashh
Summary: Set after Surrender Benson, follows the timeline very loosely. Bensidy to start, moves into E/O





	1. Anger

**Author's Note:**

> This has no Beta, this is something I'm still in the process of writing.

He sat down in his apartment and simply stared at the wall. Part of this New Elliot program was trying to make amends to those around him. He began with those more inclined to listening and forgiving him. He began with his kids and was surprised at just how understanding they could be. They had truly grown up to become amazingly wonderful adults, no thanks to him of course. The next person on his list was the very reason he had great children, Kathy. She forgave him enough to allow him to see Eli on the weekends. From there on he would begin on some of the easier friendships and partnerships he held. His mother was the next person on the list, and so when they began to talk, he kept reminding himself New Elliot was a more understanding person, he had to be. This phone call had lasted an hour over from where he wanted it to go. She began telling him about the new shops along the boardwalk and it went downhill from there. 1:56, he looked at the timer on his phone and finally he was able to get a word in-between the first moment of silence he’d been given.

_Mom, this has been great. I actually have to get going though._

He heard a sigh, and then in a slow and almost cautionary voice he heard his mother say something so unexpected, he was still mulling it over now, hours later.

 _Okay well, I’m glad you’re working through your issues Elliot. You’re such a good boy, and I’m really glad you are finally living for you. I can only hope you and Olivia find better ground this time around, I’m not a fan of this new boyfriend of hers._  

He hadn’t asked, he wanted to, but was so shocked that he surprised himself when he simply told his mother he loved her and hung up. 

And now here he was, sitting alone in his apartment staring at his wall.

He wanted to ask why Olivia was talking to her, why she didn’t like the new boyfriend, who the new boyfriend was. How long they’d been together. Had his mom met him? Why was she meeting Olivia, if she’d met them both?

Even in his own thoughts, the most important question is the one he couldn’t bring himself to ask. _How was she?_ He hated how even in his own mind he was a coward. He wanted so much to be there for her, but he couldn’t, not while his was this toxic.

 

He took a drive, absentmindedly ended up at her place, of course. Somehow, when he wasn’t plaguing himself with demons, he found her to be his center. Anytime he panicked, he imagined her hand holding on to his gently, her eyes lovingly bringing him back. Now here he is, looking up into her window. The lights are off, and he looks at the clock. 11 PM, she might have caught a case, maybe she’s asleep, maybemaybemaybe. He suddenly hates how he doesn’t know anything about her life, about what is going on with her. He slams his fists into the steering wheel, and the honk it produces earns him a few glances from people walking by. He looks back up, lights stay off. He takes a minute for his New Elliot breathing exercises, and he finally begins to merge back into the street _._

 _I can’t keep doing this_ he repeats to himself as he watches the lack of lights from within the building. He hasn’t seen her, and he feels something is off. He’s been here every night this week, no sign of her. He suddenly feels like a stalker, and wills himself to merge out, drive back home. He feels something is off, and he can’t shake it, so instead of his apartment he drives to the precinct and waits. Technically, he chuckles to himself, this is home. That’s when he sees them, he sees Cassidy and huffs without meaning to. He sees him put his arm on her lower back, guiding her into the seat, and he feels the anger boiling up inside of him. His phone rings and it jerks him out of his anger, he answers without looking. “Stabler”

_Hey dad, uhm, how are you?_

 It’s Kathleen, he smiles and for a brief moment loses track of the outside world.

_Hey, what’s going on?_

_Dad, are you okay? I mean, you haven’t exactly been replying to our messages._

_Yeah, I’m fine Kathleen. What’s going on?_

And suddenly he hears a deep sigh, and the line becomes so silent he looks at the screen to make sure he didn’t drop the call.

_We’re just a little worried dad. You haven’t exactly talked to Liv since the kidnapping, and we know that you want to. We just want to make sure you’re okay._

When did his kids grow up so much? Become so understanding? Where was he? Oh, right, he sighs into the phone and makes a right while he’s following the car. He knows exactly where he was, it’s exactly where he is now. Always at a distance, with them and with her.

_I’m fine. I’m working up the courage to talk to her, so we’ll see how it goes. I promise that I’m fine. And I’m still up for dinner Saturday. Promise._

Kathleen lets out a breath, soft and cautious. He doesn’t understand why everyone feels the need to be cautious around him. They say their goodbyes and hang up as he double parks, watching Cassidy park and then walk around to open the door for her. Suddenly he feels an ache in his heart, he doesn’t know this Olivia. This, open the door for me and hold my hand while we walk into our place Olivia. He sits in this double park and works on his New Elliot breathing.


	2. Temper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian and Elliot consider talking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own the characters, and this is with no Beta.

It had now been a month since he'd stopped following her. He followed her for two weeks after they found her, it was his own way of protecting her. Being near her, without actually reaching out. It felt terrible, he felt like a stalker and so he found himself only following her home. Never during the day, never waiting until morning. Only enough to know she had someone, even though it wasn’t him. He followed her to what he assumed was Cassidy’s, and he only followed her when he wasn’t with her. When she went home by herself, he waited until Cassidy came home. After the second week, he found it easier to stay away, knowing that she had someone, that and it was going to become a problem if he kept seeing Cassidy kiss her. It wasn’t helping this whole New Elliot resolution he had going on if one day he walked out of his car and sucker punched him for kissing her. That’s not how he wanted their first encounter in years to be.

It had been an accident, and he cursed himself for being so careless. He went to their favorite diner, what else was he expecting. He almost wondered if it was his subconscious that had brought him here, so close to her. He grabbed his coffee and froze because he could feel her behind him. She laughed, carelessly and he felt a thud. He almost thought she’d hit him, until he heard her laughing lightly,

  _You definitely owe me a million trips to a million museums now._

 He stepped aside and heard her sharp inhale, he froze knowing he’d been caught. As he began his turn, he clutched his coffee cup and almost split the Styrofoam. He caught her from the corner of his eye, and saw Cassidy move her aside from the line, away from him.

  _Hey baby, it’s okay._ He heard Cassidy whisper to her and embrace her fully. As he turned he found himself facing Cassidy across a row of people, unable to comprehend what happened. With narrow eyes, Cassidy stared him down for a brief second before he closed his eyes and continued to hug Olivia in a tight embrace. Elliot felt a panic wash over him before he let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding in, and slowly made his way out of the diner. 

He stopped outside and dropped the coffee into the trash, gripping onto the edge of the metal trash can for support, his knuckles turning white. He felt his head spinning, and suddenly his ache for her is seemed too much to bear. It’s one thing to see them across the street, the metal of his car a buffer between them. Between Olivia’s scent, her sound and Cassidy invading her personal space, a space that took him years to creep into without scaring her away, he'd lost control. 

 He felt betrayed, and he wasn't sure if it was just male pride. He needed to reevaluate what he was doing.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It honestly surprises him, it shouldn’t or maybe it _should_ but he’s not so sure anymore. Cassidy sits across from him, doesn’t wait for an invitation and doesn’t look like he’s about to play nice. Serious adult face, it suits him, and it catches Elliot off-guard. He’s done some growing, and Elliot finds himself wondering how everything went to wrong. 

Cassidy sighs heavily, puts his hands on the table and starts to talk, his words slow and clearly tempered.

  _She uh, she’s doing good. She’s strong, but uh, you know that. So there’s no real need to worry. We’re uh, uh well we’re moving past it._

  _We_ huh, Elliot should expect it. It’s a blow, a slow hurt that he knows will linger. It shouldn’t matter, but it does, and it annoys him. He can see him struggling to form words, and Elliot understands that his silence is the only thing he’s got over Cassidy right now, so he sits in silence.

 Brian pauses, carefully spacing his words, almost as if it’s become a threat.

  _We’re going to move past this, together._

 Elliot flinches, and Cassidy smirks. It’s not a subtle move, but nothing with him ever was. His need to be near Olivia, his lack of subtly over what he wanted with her, what he thought they were. He feels his anger rise, and then slowly subside and he remembers that he and Olivia have 12 years, while she and Cassidy can barely string two or three, put together over the years.

Elliot gets up, he throws some cash on the table and in the same swift motion, grabs his coat. As he’s slinging his coat over his right shoulder, moving past Cassidy, he feels him get up. He doesn’t turn, but simply begins to move out of the diner, his way of telling Cassidy that he’s done with this conversation. Out in the parking lot he’s putting his key in the door when he hears him running, standing behind him, as he goes to unlock his door, Cassidy steps to his right, peripherally he can see him, and he’s just about had it. His jaw locks, and he’s brimming with an insult as he turns to face him.

_We’re moving in together, a place we can start fresh. So, stop following her because I’m pretty sure that if I ask, she wouldn’t want you to know where our new place is._

This time it’s not a slow burn, it’s a sharp pain and he realizes that it isn’t internal. Suddenly he’s swinging, and he misses the first time, but he goes to swing again and hears the contact that his fist makes with Cassidy’s jaw. He see’s blood and steps back, and in his anger, he’s confused about what’s going on. Cassidy is moving back, arms up in a defensive pose, but he’s laughing. He clenches his jaw, and squares up, ready to fight. Cassidy lets out another hearty laugh, one that comes straight from his stomach, one that doesn’t match the situation. Elliot steps forward, and Cassidy drops his arms. He turns to walk away, chuckling and grabs his keys as he gets into his own car.

_I'm serious, if she wanted to talk to you, she would have called. Would have made any sort of mention, but it wasn't your name she said in the hospital. It was mine, mine._

Elliot stands there, not trusting himself to move. He stands there for a while, after Cassidy gets into his car and drives, he stands there as it begins to drizzle, and he finally gets in and puts his car into drive. He finds himself circling the precinct block, and for the first time in a long while, he feels his heart hurt.


	3. Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia and Elliot try their own luck at conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTES: Obviously, I don’t own them. And I have no stake in Billy’s Coffee Shop, it’s only ad plot here is that it’s near Police Plaza. I'm trying to get you chapters as quickly as I can think em, promise!

_You up?_

And of course, he is, and of course she knows he’s awake. It’s almost a game after all these years, and both their batting average is phenomenal. If she’s ever been asleep, she’s never told him so. The only times he’s called and gotten her deliciously seductive half asleep, “Benson” have been when they’ve caught cases, and in that situation, he was also asleep when the shrill ringtone woke him. Asleep enough, he always wagered, that thinking her voice being seductive was a trick from his half-asleep mind, an easy way to play it off.

He’s not sure how to answer, and he was almost expecting this text message weeks ago when he sent Cassidy home with a bruised face. He’d circled the precinct that day hoping to catch her before she went home. He ended up driving back to his apartment after two circles. This wasn’t who he was, and it sure as hell wasn’t someone he wanted to become. He went back to his place to regroup, to evaluate the situation.

And now here he was, almost three weeks later at 2 am with a cryptic text from Olivia. To any other person, this wouldn’t have been a big deal. Two words, and a simple yes or no reply with no weight behind it. This wasn’t any other person though, and these words, like the thread that held behind it was _heavy_. He willed himself to keep her text thread in his phone, despite the hurt it caused him to see her grey bubbles flooding in. Hours turned to days, which turned to weeks until one day the messages stopped coming in. The only reason he kept this thread alive, kept her memory so fresh in her hurt, was to remind himself that this was toxic. He had to fix who he was, before he could move forward with what he wanted. He needed to be in a place where Olivia and Elliot existed together because of want, and not just need.

He closes his eyes and drags his hand over his face, sighing heavily. He types in _yes_ and lets it linger before he turns his phone around and closes his eyes.

_I can see your bubbles, that’s how iPhones work you know._

He chuckles, and it’s light and airy and he instantly misses this, misses them. He hits send and waits for her reply. He stares at his screen, knots in his stomach. He awaits her reply, watches for those bubbles. Five, ten, twenty minutes pass and no reply, no attempt at it either. Suddenly he finds his eyes heavy and tries to open them. He fell asleep, and 2 am turned into 4, and he looks around for his phone. Upside down, across his pillow, he launches at it and turns it around, checking for her reply. None, his stomach turns, and his heart begins to hurt. He unlocks his phone, in case his phone made a mistake, or he fell asleep as the alert came through. He sees their thread, no reply on her end and out comes a breath he was keeping, a sharp almost painful exhale. He doesn’t understand what’s happened, and he doesn’t know if he should try again.

He gets up, walks into his bathroom and runs the water in the sink. He wishes this wasn’t so hard, so heavy and intense. He wishes he could just text her, and she could just reply. He runs the water over his face and dries off. And he turns off the light, he stands in his bedroom. He isn’t sure what to do, what to say. He’s so tired of this, of questioning every move, of rethinking every word, examining every outcome, and always coming back full circle in distress. He thought leaving the precinct would help, that somehow his departure would begin some sort of magical healing.  Instead he found himself cooped up with most of his kids gone, and his heart hurt when he realized that Eli would be the only one of his children who had a father full time.

He sees the light on his phone and walks over to it. As he dips himself into the bed, he opens the message and feels a hitch in his breathing.

_Billy’s Bakery, 6am._

He was nervous, and began getting ready as soon as he replied, _I’ll be there._ He tried on three different shirt and jean combinations before he realized that he needed to stop by the PI office at noon. As he stood before his full-length mirror, he chuckled at himself, in his darkest and most fitted suit. All this fuss to see her, who had he become? He grabbed his keys and made his way out the door, it was a quick drive, the coffee shop was a few blocks from the precinct and even with traffic it would be less than half an hour.

He found parking almost immediately and took it as a sign of good luck. Maybe things were turning around, and even if he wasn’t where he wanted to be with himself, maybe she would be open to growing with him from here on.

As soon as he walked into the coffee shop he saw her and gave her a small smile. She looked at him and gave him this goofy grin that he’d never seen before. As he reached her table, he gave a _Hello_ that was more whisper than an actual greeting. She put her hand across the table, and he took it as he sat.

_I ordered you a coffee. You still take it the same way?_

Of course, she would be fine, of course she wouldn’t let on that they hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in years. That’s probably why she picked such an open place to meet him, she had changed but he still knew the core of her.

_Yeah, uh same way. Cassidy huh? I thought uh, I thought that was in the past._

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. He didn’t know where that came from, and he could tell his face had turned to pure panic. To the outsider, it wouldn’t have been a change, but this was Liv and she could read him like no one else ever could. Fuck. He noticed a hitch in her breathing, but her eyes remained on him, unmoving. He felt his stomach drop, he couldn’t gage her, couldn’t read her expression.

 _Yeah, Brian. He’s been there for me through a lot. I think, I think I wasn’t ready before for what he offered. I’m in a different…_ she moves both her hands and gestures at the length of the table, pulling away their from only means on physical contact,  _space. Different part of my life, and It’s a part that is ready for what he is, what he offers._

She is so open with him, despite the time and the heaviness of the situation. Just as he opens his mouth to say something, they call her name up front and she gets out of her seat and makes her way over. He’s thankful for the break in conversation, if you could call this a conversation he thinks. He’s in uncharted territory and this isn’t going the way he’d hoped. He’s not sure where he thought this conversation would go, but this sure as hell wasn’t it. She comes back, drop his coffee in front of him and sits back down, he looks her dead on and once again can’t quite make sense of the expression on her face. She drinks her coffee and looks out the window and the people passing by, she doesn’t push or pry, she gives him time. It’s a welcomed distraction to watch the people walking, and he can’t help but be in awe of her. He’s the one who pushed her out, who gave her no closure and yet here she is, willing and waiting for him to talk. She’s a far better person than he ever was, he’s always thought that about her. He’s always wanted her to know but couldn’t find the right words in the messiness that was their relationship.

_I didn’t mean to jump on you like that. I’m not exactly sure where it came from._

She nods but doesn’t look at him.

 _I’ve missed you Liv, and I know I did everything wrong but if you just…._ he chuckles and it’s heavy and gross, it fits the mood perfectly, _I’m just sorry. I want you to know that._

She nods, slower this time as if soaking up the words he’s throwing in her direction. He sees her sigh, quiet but long. He can tell now, by the way her throat is getting stuck, that she’s trying not to cry, but he still can’t quite make out her expression. He wants to keep talking, hoping that maybe if he says enough she’ll realize that he’s trying to open up more, trying to be a better person. Trying to step out of this toxic bubble they built where it was hidden words and meaningful glances, and when it became too much it was angry words and unspoken apologies.

_How are the kids?_

Of course, she would choose neutral ground, something easy to try and keep it light. This is the same reason she’s chosen to see him during a busy hour in a busy coffee shop. She’s still not quite looking at him, she’s looking past him and over his shoulder now and he grins thinking that the open and close of the door must be so interesting it’s gotten her gazed fixated on it. He wants to make a joke about it, wants to keep it light. He doesn’t though, he keeps the joke to himself.

 _Everyone is good. They’re all in school, adults just doing their own thing. For so long I worried about how they would turn out, but they’re all in school and living good lives. Even Dickie, well Richard now, he’s in school and he’s doing great. I try and see them for dinner once a week to make sure everyone’s on track. To keep us close._ He feels like he’s rambling, even though the sentences are short, and she’s still nodding so very slowly. Her phone vibrates, and she glances at it, he sees her eyes narrow and he sees the change in her breathing. He knows what’s coming next, and knows she’s still married to the job. He wants to keep talking, keep her there but it would be of no use.

_I’ve gotta go. It’s, well you know, work._

She gets up, and he follows her, and suddenly the sound of the chairs moving back is harsh and cold. He steps aside, and he isn’t sure if he should hug her or just move aside. As she puts her chair in, and steps to the side of the table he finds himself stepping forward and embracing her. He feels her fall into him for a split second, and feels the change in her breathing, the small gasp that her mouth betrays her in. He’s suddenly lost in her scent and doesn’t have time to adjust to the change as she hardens, straightens herself and pushes away from him with a louder than needed clearing of her throat. He goes to say something, but she’s already around him and out the door before he can even begin to breathe again. Fuck.fuck.fuck.


	4. Iphones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> iPhones are funny business.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own, Dick Wolf does. Again, shameless plug due to location.

It’s been a month now, to the day and he wonders if she knows this too. After the coffee shop he tried to text her, at first, he played it casual a quick _Hey_ the next day. No reply, cool okay, change approach. Elliot waited three days before the next message, and then it spiraled out of control.

_Text: Hey_  
_Text: Hey_  
_Text: Olivia? Liv?_  
_Text: I get it, I fucked up. I’m sorry._  
_[Call]_  
_Text: Is this payback of some sort? For the way I never responded?_  
_[Call]_  
_[Call]_  
_Text: Lesson learned Liv, just please reply._  
_[Call]_  
_[Call]_  
_[Voicemail]Liv, we can’t keep hurting each other this way. If you just let me talk to you again, I can explain so much. I wasn’t ready before and it would only hurt us. I would hurt us, and maybe I’m not really ready yet, but I just want to talk._  
_[Call]_  
_[Call]_  
_[Call]_  
_[Call]_  
_[Voicemail] /Heavy breathing/ Please answer me Liv._  
_Text: Olivia what the fuck please answer._  
_Text: Please._

And then he just waited, waited and kept moving forward with life. He’d spent so much time wrapped up in both his work and Olivia and making her wait. He hadn’t known it then, and it took him over 13 years to realize it, in fact he hadn’t realized it at all. Looking back now he sees it and wonders if he could apply for Kathy to receive Sainthood. She’d realized it before he had, and yet she let him play pretend. She’d let him live this lie until she couldn’t bare it and when she finally broke, he hadn’t understood it. They fought, they fought until they had fought about fighting and Elliot just stood in his living room dumbfounded.

He remembers that night clearly, the night Kathy asked for the divorce. All of his kids were out living their lives in the city, and Eli had gone over to his friends for the weekend. He was nervous about it, but Kathy reassured him that all of his kids had had sleepovers that young and he couldn’t remember enough of their childhoods to dispute it. He wasn’t sure why they were even fighting by the time they both stood, heavy breathing and angry whispers. They’d mastered fighting in hushed tones and Elliot can’t explain or wrap his head around how it came to be this way. Instead they both stand at opposite ends of the couch, his breathing heavy and angry, hers now calm and steady. Through narrow eyes she finally whispers, _I want a divorce. I’m tired of living in misery because you want to be the good guy. I deserve better._

Elliot can’t argue, can’t fight it. He wants to, and everything in him tells him to do so. He goes to open his mouth but can’t come up with a valid argument. He loves Kathy, she’s the mother of his children and he loves her for so many reasons. He loves her for raising their children, for putting up with him. He loves her for balancing their checkbook, for buying their groceries. He loves her for being this strong independent woman, for being this amazing mother. He loves her, but as he looks into her eyes and sees her sadness, he understands that it’s not fair to either of them. He loves her, but she wants someone to be _in love_ with her. He sees her standing there, calm and steady and realizes that she deserves someone to worship her in a way he can’t. He goes to sit on the couch and she follows. After a while, he gets up and grabs two beers from the fridge, opening both and handing her one. She grabs the bottle from him and takes a slow sip, closing her eyes. He sits next to her again, and as he goes to take a sip he says, almost more to himself than to her, _I fucked up_. He hears her laugh, light and sure, _Yeah, well we both let it get here. It’s not just you Elliot, we’re both at fault and we’re both full of Catholic guilt._

When they worked out everything and sat their kids down to explain the divorce, their second attempt at this, the kids took the news better. He was worried about the kids choosing sides, because it was a battle he would obviously lose, but sitting in his kitchen table surrounded by his family, he realized the strength and sense of balance that Kathy had instilled in their children. They each took turns explaining their feelings, and every single one ended up in the same conclusion, worded differently. They wanted their parents to be happy, and they wanted to keep being a family, it didn’t matter if it meant their parents moving on. They were adults, they had the right to pick what made them happy, even if it wasn’t each other. He truly owed everything to Kathy and understood why this divorce had to happen.

Now, he sat in his apartment and locked and unlocked his phone for what seemed to be the hundredth time.

_Coffee tomorrow? Same place, same time._

He wanted to say yes, he wanted to tell her he’d be there ready and willing, but somehow this felt off. This message gave him this sinking feeling in the pit of this stomach and he couldn’t explain why.

\--------------------------------------

He’d gotten there earlier than she had this time, so he ordered the coffees and sat down at the same table with them. And then he waited, stomach in knots.

She came in, and he took in the sight of her. She smiled and sat down, taking her coffee between both hands.

_It’s freezing out there._

His cell phone rang, and he cursed it internally, pulling it from his pocket. It’s an unknown number, so he hits the side button on his phone and lets it go to voicemail.

_Not going to answer it?_

He shakes his head and smiles again, he wasn’t going to let her walk away so easily this time.

_I want to be here Liv, nothing is more important._

He sees her smile fade a little, and shift in her seat. Too much too fast Stabler, real smooth.

_Look, Elliot…_ Full name, okay he thinks, that can mean anything, _I just want to catch up. No hard feelings about the way we left things, it took me a long time to get it. Trust me, I’m not even sure I’m really ready for this. I have to try though, I’ve been seeing a therapist since…since…_ Her eyes begin to pool with tears and his hands instinctively reach out to close around hers, and her coffee cup. She pulls away from him and brings the cup to her mouth before she whispers _the kidnapping_ and she takes a sip of her coffee.

He watches her, but let’s her go at her own pace. Patience, it’s a virtue he’s learning and getting better at.

_It’s uh, the point of this is…I just want to talk. I want us to be okay again._

He nods slowly and gives her space to talk. When he realizes that she’s said her part, he brings the coffee to his lips and takes a sip before he begins to talk.

_I’m not good at apologies, and the way I left…. Well I was a dick, but we know that about me, don’t we?_ He laughs, and she smiles slightly at him. He reads her expression, it’s a sort of sad smile that hurts. He reaches out again, his hand freezing in between them, and she looks away.

_Liv?_

She hums, it’s more toward the window than to him, and he can tell she’s lost in thought.

_Liv, what’s going on? What are you thinking about?_

A hitch in her throat, and she clears it before she begins to speak, closing her eyes out the window.

_Do you remember the first time we stayed on the phone all night?_

He wants to tell her no, because it’s a habit to keep their conversations guarded, but as he breaths in and out slowly, he knows that being honest is what New Elliot is all about.

_Yeah. I do, it was winter._ And suddenly Elliot is lost in thought as he speaks, and he closes his eyes. _You had that pixie cut, it was starting to grow out by then and you had these half bangs. I remember it was the winter you had the thin green jacket, I remember thinking…. I remember wanting to always give you my coat because I didn’t understand how you were warm. It was during the case where we had to dig through the cement in the basement, and I was upset because you didn’t want to wear a mask to cover up the dust from the concrete._ He opens his eyes, and she’s looking at him with tears brimming in her eyes.

She opens her mouth, and as the tip of her tongue touches her the bottom right part of her lip, she licks it and closes her mouth again. She’s controlling her breathing, and Elliot wants to tell her that it’s okay. He wants to hold her, to run his hands along her jawline and tell her that it’s okay to talk about this now. He wants to assure her that he’s growing, that they aren’t partners in the precinct anymore and that his family is more than welcoming about her. He wants to assure her that they can grow together, they can move past the toxicity that held them at arm’s length for more than a decade. Instead, he waits and watches her, he’s really getting better at this whole patience thing and he feels a small swell in his chest from pride. Once they moved past these waters, and once he can tell her everything without her need to run, she’ll be proud of him.

_Is that how you remember it?_ The question throws him off, and he must look as confused as he feels because she sighs and looks him dead on now.

_It was a family, a family torn apart by people who didn’t understand what it actually meant to be a family. You made a connection to our victim, and that connection to our vic and her sister was what helped us solve the case._

Elliot nods slowly, unsure of what to say. Saved by the bell it seems, because her phone dings and she takes a glance at it. A small frown forming as she gets up, and her phone is now ringing.

_I’ve gotta go, sorry._ And she’s out her chair, and out the door leaving Elliot and her coffee behind, as she answers her phone. Elliot sits, and sips on his coffee. This still wasn’t where he wanted the conversation to go, but it’s better than last time he thinks, and he watches the people outside.


	5. Breathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting to know Olivia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own, Dick Wolf does.
> 
> Switching up our POV, and the timeline. I think it’s time to see what Olivia has going on. I’m trying to write as fast as I can, but the more I push through from the beginning of the series, the more I find myself wondering if E/O was ever really going to happen for us. This story explores a lot of that, but I can tell you with certainty that this WILL end in E/O, because my own heart can’t take it otherwise.
> 
> Again, no Beta so forgive my errors.

Olivia wakes up, drenched in sweat and she doesn’t recognize where she’s at. She’s panting, about to scream and as her throat starts to close up, she realizes she’s sitting in the stupid accent chair in the stupid hotel room. She’s pressed it as far away from the door as possible, it’s against the wall on the corner, so that she only has to protect herself from one angle if anything happens. 

As she controls her breathing and looks out the window. It’s summer, and the sun is shining through the curtains, it both annoys and calms her. This is the only way she can sleep now, knowing there is daylight outside, knowing her surroundings are visible as soon as she wakes up.

Sitting on the floor now, and hugging her knees, she thinks back to the last few days and remembers that it’s important to keep her feelings in check because she’ll eventually have to talk to someone about this, she’ll eventually have to pretend to be letting someone in just enough so that she can go back to work, back to normal.

She closes her eyes and thinks back to when she gave her statement, and her stomach turns the knots already there until it’s almost physically painful. She remembers looking out into her squad room, wanting so much to be okay. Nick sneaks a quick glance in, but it’s not who she’s looking for. She remembers the nostalgic urge to see her old squad room, to see Elliot and suddenly she can’t breathe. It’s a quick panic, and she’s back in full Benson mode when she thanks the detective and looks at her captain. She agrees to stay at Brian’s because, well if she’s honest with herself, because she can’t be alone. She can’t walk through that room and be the victim, can’t move past this right this moment, she can’t trust herself to keep the bottle at bay and she can’t call Elliot. She. Won’t. Call. Elliot. 

And now she feels the tears on her face and can’t help them as her breathing quickens and she is full on sobbing. This isn’t who she is, this isn’t who she wants to be. She gets up and grabs a pillow as she puts her face to it while she screams and sobs into it. This is not okay, she is **not** okay.

A while later, she settles down and washes her face before she grabs her keys and makes her way out of the hotel room. Even though she’s staying with Brian, she took the hotel room. She wasn’t sure she would need it, but it’s become a ritual to come here and let her guard down. It’s comforting and so she’s not ready to let go. As she steps out into the bright sunny New York streets, she heads to Brains. It’s been two weeks and she’s already regaining control, she smiles as she slips her sunglasses on.

\----------------------------------

As Brian holds her on the couch, his hands start to slip, and she can tell by his breathing that he’s knocking out. She smiles, closes her eyes and tries to focus on his breathing so that she can get some sleep.

She’s dreaming, she knows she is but in this moment she’s content with this knowledge as she steps forward and presses her head to his, and she can almost smell him again. She wants to remember his blue eyes as they light up her world, but instead Elliot gives her that hooded look that tells her things are not okay. She wakes up, and it’s Brian shifting on the couch, she goes to get up and he pulls her close, nestling his face into her neck. She closes her eyes and tries to remain calm, she wants to be happy or at least content, but she’s not and she can’t explain why.

As she closes her eyes again, she begins to drift into sleep and finds herself in the same dream. Again, as she presses her forehead to his, she wakes up and this time Brian isn’t behind her but in the kitchen, she can hear him grabbing a bottle of water and she reminds herself that she needs to buy a filter, they can’t keep consuming this much plastic. She read it in the magazine at the therapist’s office, she wants to change her habits. At least, the easier ones she thinks as she smiles to herself. By the time she pulls herself up, Brian is watching her from the doorway.

 _What?_ It comes out angrier than she intends, but before she can tell him this, he walks towards the bedroom and as he turns around he says, _You say his name_ , in a whisper that feels like it’s more a secret he doesn’t want to admit.

This is the exact moment, and she tells herself this, so she can remember it clearly, this is the exact moment she vows to take therapy seriously. She’s going to move past this. Suddenly, as she sits in the dark of her new apartment, she wants to move past everything. This isn’t just about Elliot, or Lewis, this is about everything in her past that she’s let drag her down. She can tell herself that it’ll make her stronger, but at the end of the day she knows she’s a strong person. Maybe the added weight isn’t building her strength anymore, maybe it’s actually hindering. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

She gets up from the couch and heads to the bedroom, Brian has his back turned to her and even if he wasn’t asleep, he may as well be because they aren't going to talk. She gets under the covers and, as she closes her eyes, she goes to the necklace around her neck, and as she feels the emptiness there, she feels her eyes well up. She can move past this, she can move past everything and everyone.

\---------------------------------------- 

They have a place together, although they found a place they could both afford, she made sure it was a place she could afford without him. Whether he knew it or not, again, Brian let her have it. That’s what she finds most upsetting about him, and why she wonders if they will last. He pretends to look the other way on a lot, and she’s beginning to wonder if he’s really that naive or if he’s feigning for her sake. She doesn’t know which one upsets her more, but she feels it’s the latter and then avoids the subject completely, both externally and internally.

They finally moved everything in, and they settled down. No more boxes around, no more going back. Both names on the lease, for the next six months anyway. She wonders if the building supervisor knew who she was, and she can’t help but be annoyed with him as well. Of course, he knew, if it wasn’t from her Tour de New York with the department, then it was the newspapers or for all she knows, it was Brian calling ahead. Whatever the situation, the lease had One Year scratched and Six Months in nasty blotchy ink, at least this situation was proving to finally be useful. She couldn’t fight everyone who wanted to treat her like a victim, though it didn’t stop her the first few weeks. She smiles back now, at every argument that she’d engaged in during her first weeks back. Half of those had no right being called arguments, but it didn’t stop her from arguing, even if it was with herself half the time. Now, months later, she can move past most people who she assumes are treating her like a victim, not every food vendor in New York gives her free coffee because she was plastered all over the news, sometimes it’s just food stands she’s avoided running into during a chase. It was hard to admit, but therapy was actually helping.

She grabs her phone on the way to the bathroom, and she sends the message without really thinking about it. By the time she’s fully aware, she’s sitting on the toilet and looking down at the screen, little bubbles coming in as he types his reply. She gets up and goes to brush her teeth as a way to buy him more time. She doesn’t understand why, Brian isn’t home, he still has a few hours of babysitting duty at work before he can come home. She really does hope Tucker comes through for them. She rinses, and walks out of the bathroom. She’s got nothing to hide anyway, his text thread is fresh in her phone. Their older message were deleted long ago, or well, long enough ago she thinks. The magic of iPhones is that her threads came flooding in when she received a new one, including his. Everything backed up, and that included the things she hadn’t been able to part with before. A few weeks after she’d started therapy, and started really letting it get to her, she’d finally deleted his thread. She had kept it to remind herself of why she wouldn’t text him, why she couldn’t let him get under her skin again. Not that he tried, even after the, she looks down at the phone before she crawls under the covers and shakes her head. She refuses to finish the thought and tries to remember that she’s moving past this, past all of her hurt.

 _I can see your bubbles, that’s how iPhones work you know._  

_I’m up._

She looks at the text, those little black letters in the little grey box and she finds it hard to breathe. Maybe she isn’t as ready as she thought, and she turns the screen off. She wants Brian back, and she’s mad at herself because she’s just replacing one safety blanket, with another. She can do this she thinks, she has to be able to move on from him. She thought she had, when she first started seeing Brian seriously. She thought she was making progress, thought she could finally live without him. And then, she feels the tears welling up in her eyes, and then Lewis happened.

She grabs the pillow and starts to sob into it, she can tell she’s having a panic attack and maybe a pillow isn’t the safest thing to be slamming her mouth into, but here she is. She’s sobbing so uncontrollably hard now, that every time she moves her face from the pillow, she can hear the harsh grasps for air and she wonders how that can possibly be her. She loses track of time, and feels her eyelids grow heavy as her breathing settles down, she’s almost asleep when she begins to hiccup and chuckles at the situation. She tries to control the hiccups, and slow down her breathing, she doesn’t notice when she finally falls asleep.


	6. Aches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The push forward and back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own them, Dick Wolf does.

_Let me ask you a question? When’s the last time you had a boyfriend? Or even went on a date?_ It’s not personal, she’s just trying to get a confession. Both women look at each other, and both start to feel that pull. Quinn squints her eyes, at the mention of her age, Olivia has her attention now. _Probably wondering if you’ll ever have a family, or,_ she controls her breathing, _if riding around with him for the next ten years will be enough for you._ Amaro takes over, and she handles herself before she makes her next move. She’s open, but controlled, this is the best way to get the confession she needs. _He knew that you felt that way about him, and he was using that too._ And suddenly, the lump is her throat is almost unbearable and she looks into Quinn’s eyes. _I mean, what did you think?_ She swallows the painful knot in her throat. _That he was going to leave his wife and his kid for you?_ She feels her need to remove herself from the situation, _A cokehead?_ And this is the break she needs to continue on.

Brian moves around the counter and hugs her. _You okay?_ She smiles and leans into him. _No, no I am far from okay_ , she thinks as she hums into his chest. He places small kisses on her forehead, and they just stand this way for a while. Swaying to nonexistent music, in their own little bubble.

 ------

 She thinks back to that night, the night she decided that it was time to really give Brian a try. It’s selfish, to wait this long. To wait until they’re moved in and he has invested so much, but it is what it is she thinks.

She kisses him, and lets her lips linger on his for a brief moment. He knows, she knows. She feels his arm snake around her waist and she can sense that neither is ready for this, and so she puts her forehead to his lips as he places gentle kisses.

_Hey Liv?_

She hums in his direction and steadies herself for this moment.

_Want pizza instead?_

She pulls away and looks at him, questioning. He smiles, and suddenly the tension in her stomach disappears, he’s not breaking with up her. She’s glad for a second before she narrows her eyes in his direction. He’s not breaking up with her because she’s still the victim and she’s bound to fuck up. Right?

 _So, we’re just moving past this? We’re ignoring it?_ She pulls back from him, and he’s caught off guard, so he doesn’t have time to try and keep her close.

 _Liv, we’re…._ he sighs and covers his face with both hands, steading himself.

_We’re what Brian? I’m so sick of you treating me like I can’t handle this. If you’re going to end it, just fucking end it. Stop sticking around because you think I can’t handle it. Stop pretending I’m fucking up because I’m still in, in…in shock or something. I’m not a fucking victim!_

She’s crying, she can feel the tears but makes no move to wipe them. Her hands are fists, and she refuses to move them from her sides as she takes another step away from him. He looks away, and she can tell he’s trying to control his breathing. She’s so upset because he doesn’t fight her on anything, he just lets her win because he thinks she can’t handle it. She can’t even remember what half their fights are about anymore.

 _You are the… I’m in…_ He sighs again, but this time it’s a heavy mixture of relief and anger.

He looks at her, and for the first time she realizes what he’s doing. He’s not breaking up with her, she knows that look and suddenly it hits her like a ton of bricks. ** _Fuck._** He doesn’t argue not because he wants to placate her, he doesn’t let himself get worked up not because she’s a victim. She’s been on that end, and suddenly she knows what this is. 

 _Liv, Olivia. I…._ She rushes to his side and kisses him before he can say it. She’s kissing him, moving him to the couch and she begins sliding his shirt off in between kisses. She’s on top of him now, straddling him on the couch, kissing him so deeply, he can’t say a word. Before she really knows what’s happening, they’re both naked on the couch and she’s riding him, slamming her hips into him harder than she’s ever done before and he’s biting her skin. It’s rough, it’s harsh and it’s unapologetic. She lets herself go for the first time in a long time, and he doesn’t push her off or tell her she’s crazy, instead he takes her as she is and responds with the same intense hunger. That night they both move into the bedroom and as he holds her, she falls asleep to the sound of his heart beating. This is the first night in a long time she doesn’t dream of Elliot.

 ----

She doesn’t expect to see him, and when she lets go of Brian’s hand and starts to follow him, it’s almost like instinct for her. She doesn’t realize that she’s outside calling his name until he turns around. She stops, he pulls forward, he’s right by her face and she can smell him, and suddenly her urge to touch him is almost overwhelming.

  _I already said hey to Munch. I just can’t…I can’t see you with him._

She doesn’t know what to say, he’s speaking but the words he says don’t seem like something he would say, not to her, so she just stands there in silence, and he steps further into her space after a few moments. She wants to be upset because he has no right over her, but his possessiveness feels like home in a way.

_Liv, I’m trying to grow. I’m trying to be better, but I can’t help how I feel about you. And I can’t be in the same room with you two right now. I … Liv, I…_

She kisses him, it’s soft and unexpected. It’s not how she’d ever imagined it would be, she also didn’t think that her reason for kissing him ever would be to keep him from getting closer to her. Of course, even this would be complicated with them. His lips are soft, and she lets a soft moan escape from her lips into the air in between them, this is beginning to feel like it’s more for her than it is to keep him from saying something he’ll regret. She feels him push her back, and as she pulls away, she can see him scanning her for something. And suddenly she feels lightheaded, she needs air but considering the outside factor in the scenario, air maybe isn’t what she needs.

 _I’ve gotta go back. We’re about to…Munch is…_  

She starts to walk back, and Elliot doesn’t chase her. By the time she’s back at the bar, Brian is leading her to their table. He puts his arm around her, and she leans into him. _This is the way it’s supposed to be_ , she thinks. As she tries to listen to Munch, she feels an ache that she can’t explain. 

_But don’t cry for me. Actually, Liv you can cry. I mean, Liv is the heart of S.V.U. and Fin is the Pancreas._

She laughs, but for a split second she thinks back to Elliot’s steps and she’s lost. She remembers his scent, his groceries and the look he gave her when he called her on her shit, called her on identifying with the victims and letting herself get taken in by the case. She remembers the guilt she felt, it was overwhelming then, and it turns her lips upward. How young she was, even though she’d been in the squad a few years by then. She remembers the tears welling up in his eyes and looking away when it became too much as he told her that she couldn’t change what happened, couldn’t go in the past and help the victims, that her only solution was to push forward. She remembers the look, the heavy breathing and the hitch in his throat, she remembers Elliot scanning her then, before he gave her an out. She remembers feeling the difficulty in his words, _Olivia, no one’s making you do this. The difference between you and all the victims is you can walk away._ She didn’t know it then, but she can see it now, the way it killed him to give her this out. She can see now, the way his face relaxed when she said, _No, I can’t._ She looks back on it now and can’t make sense of it. She can’t really make sense of anything. 

This should have been the both of them, Elliot and Olivia. Except it’s not, it’s Brian and Olivia, it’s Nick and Olivia. It’s a whole team, and Olivia. She feels her stomach turn as she receives a text and as she looks down, her stomach is now completely in knots. She taps Amaro, lets him know they have to go. They get up from the table and make their way to the door, a quick exchange with Munch and any thought of Elliot is washed away for now.


	7. Little Bits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Between bits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all set in between my last chapter. I know it’s hard to keep track, but there will be no more olivia pov for a bit.   
> Also: this is where i diverge from canon and move into an au. I cannot bring myself to share this in the same world as the show, because part of me highkey loves the growth olivia has in her future relationships, even though i ship e/o hXc. We’ll see a bit here and there from the timeline, but it’s mostly a/u

He sends the message without thinking, it’s better this way, less complicated. She and Cassidy are still together, and he wonders why. It takes her less than an hour to reply this time, and they agree to meet up same place, same time.

He’s ordering their coffees when she arrives, and as she steps up to the counter she asks for a tea instead. He laughs, airy and light while they walk over to the waiting area. _Back on the tea kick I see._ He smiles at her, and his worries seem to fade when she tucks her hair back and smiles. They grab their drinks, and sit in the back, she sits near the corner her back to the wall.

They catch up on easier topics, the weather, the kids and of course conversational sports.

It’s not until he reaches into his pocket for his ringing phone, that she notices his bare finger. As he hangs up he glances at his hand and sees the look of pure confusion, because his wedding band is gone, long gone. He chuckles at the situation and can’t help but feel pride that for once this isn’t as complicated as it normally is. New Elliot is really coming through for him, he just hopes that Olivia can move past all of this with him. She has to, otherwise he doesn’t know that he’ll survive the change, and this produces a soft chuckle. Of course, he’s less complicated, but without Liv he’s still fucked up. How did that make any sense?

  _Elliot, you’ve been laughing for a bit now. Wanna fill me in?_

He smiles at her and begins to fill her in on everything that she’s missed with his family. He wants to be open with her, and he wants to reassure her that he’s ready for her to be open with him. They were complicated and intense, but even with the drop of complexity in their relationship, he knows that what he feels for her is just as intense. He’s ready to fight for her, ready to be her endgame.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEO

He sits at the restaurant and thinks back to this week, his conversation with Olivia. He’s going to tell his kids that they’ve talked, and that makes him nervous. He doesn’t understand why, they all talked about this, they all understand that this is what he wants to do, and even though it took him years to realize, it’s almost what he needs to do.

_Hey dad!_ He looks around and sees Kathleen and Maureen making their way through the tables in the restaurant. He gets up and hugs them, pulling their chairs for them before he takes a seat.

_Rich is parking, Mom dropped Eli off with him before heading out with Dave._ Maureen says, out of breath. _It’s cold out there._

He nods, he can do this he thinks internally. He’s ready for this, he can do this.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOE

No word from her for a while, and as the days passed, he found it harder and harder to keep away. She had kissed him, and that had to mean something, he just wasn’t sure what. All he could think of for the first few days was the smell of her hair, the way her lips tasted and the butterflies in his stomach. And then, one night, while watching ESPN the message came in.

They’d been meeting for a week now; every single morning and Elliot couldn’t help but look forward to it, he wondered if Cassidy knew.

It’s always less than half an hour, they just sit in silence and drink. He knows better than to push her, and with this new-found peace it’s easy for him to do this.

_Do you remember the first time we really moved into each other’s space, and it didn’t feel, I don’t know? I guess the first time we had,_ she licks her lips and furrows her brow as she tries to think of the word, _tension?_

He looks up, with hooded eyes and gives her a smirk. She might not be directly addressing the kiss from Munch’s retirement, but this has to be what has prompted this.

  _Yeah, I remember. We’d been together 5 or 6 years by then, I’d made a joke about Kathy or something, I just remember offering you the keys to drive. A joke, I think but I can’t remember. I just remember, that afternoon, in the cribs. I remember I stepped right up to you, and you made a comment about how you were glad no one could tell you what to do._

She laughs, it’s light and wonderful.

_I remember you moving towards the lockers, my moving with you in sync. I remember my arm going around you, closing us between a wall and the lockers, asking if it would really bother you so much._ He lowers his voice and looks at her dead on. _You looked so shocked, and I remember lowering my face, we were inches away from each other. I remember how badly I wanted to reach down and kiss you, but instead I made a comment about how it wouldn’t be about control with you. And you remember what you said?_

She avoids his gaze, looks at the table, and he can’t help but laugh.

_Liv?_ She starts to blush, and a small airy hum escapes her lips. _You said, you can’t control everything El, but you’re welcome to try._ She gets up, and he feels like he’s gone too far. As he mirrors her, she puts her hand out, _El I’m grabbing another tea._ They both laugh, and for the first time in a long time, things start to feel like they’re going to work out. 

When she returns, she keeps her gaze down and he’s unsure of what to say, and again they settle into a silence. After a few minutes, she clears her throat, but her voice is quiet and husky, and he can’t help but feel turned on. _Did you say you wanted to…I mean, earlier…never mind._

He reaches over and lightly places his hand over hers, _Yeah Liv, I wanted to kiss you then like I do…. like I do now._

_You remember we had to separate that afternoon? You went with Fin, because I couldn’t be near you?_ She’s still avoiding his gaze, avoiding his confession, he can tell that she’s tense and ready to move past this subject. Just as he’s about to change the topic, her phone buzzes and she pulls it from her pocket. She smiles, and he immediately feels jealousy flooding in. _Who is it?_ He asks, it sounds aggressive and he’s already beating himself over this, partly because he knows the answer and doesn’t want to hear it. He expects her to make a face, or to be upset by his question, but instead she shrugs and looks up at him through those deliciously long eyelashes, _It’s Bri, it’s a promotion we’ve been, uh, waiting on._

Elliot doesn’t say anything, instead he just sits and watches her gush with pride over Cassidy, his stomach turning into jealous and angry knots. After what seems to be a lifetime, she finally looks at him and sighs, _I gotta go. The squads waiting on me._

EOEOEOEOEOEO 

This time she’s the one who sends the text message, before he heads out to meet her.

_Caught a case, won’t make it, Sorry!_

He sets his phone down and starts the coffee machine up. He’s already awake and ready for the day, maybe he’ll just head down to the PI office and see if there’s anything he can do there. That’s one of the perks of being on a contract basis with this company, he doesn’t have to always show up to work, but they’re always busy and open to handing him contracts. It’s not the same, mostly husbands and wives worried over their other half. It’s easy work, and though there are days he misses making a real difference, he understands that easy is what he needs.

He grabs the phone and replies, _It’s okay. Raincheck?_ As he begins filling up his thermos to head out, his phone dings and he hopes it's Olivia.

_Hey dad?_

It’s Liz, and so he replies back immediately. He chuckles when she asks if she can have some money and promises to drop it off on his way to work. As he heads out, he can’t help but take a moment to stand in his doorway. He feels at peace, and it’s a warm and welcomed feeling.

EOEOEOEOEO 

He’s about to meet a buddy from work when he sees them in their full glory. Brian’s arm is hanging low around her waist and he’s making circles with his finger on the fabric of her sweater. She’s calm, relaxed and somewhat intoxicated as she leans into him and he whispers something into her ear that makes her giggle. Elliot feels his hands forming into fists, and he’s up from his seat as he feels bile coming up. He can’t leave because they’re so close to the door, and with the whole gang in between them, someone is bound to notice him, so he retreats to the bathroom to try and calm down. He splashes water on his face and checks his phone to see if Mike is still on his way here, trying to think of a way to get out of this situation, out of this bar. As he’s coming out of the bathroom he’s looking down at his phone, Mike tells him he’s just getting seated at a booth in the back, and he bumps into her. He apologizes, and she looks at him through drowsy eyes.

_El,_ it comes out of her mouth as a half moan and he immediately feels his anger slip away, replaced by a stirring in his pants. Leave it to Olivia to make something like two letters sound so damn seductive. A woman behind her bumps into her, suddenly she’s in between his arms, her mouth so goddamn close to his, he can smell the wine in her breath. She licks her lips and pushes off his chest with a small _Ohp_.

Before he knows it, his lips are crashing on hers and she’s moving back into his space, engulfing his tongue. It’s warm, intense and it makes his hunger for her grow. He wants her so much at this very instant, that it’s hard to control anything else. He hears someone yelling, and as she pushes away from him she swears, but he doesn’t hear anything around him because he just kissed Olivia Benson for the second fucking time. The woman who bumped into her earlier pulls her away, _Olivia let’s go back to your fiancé. Sorry, she’s had a rough week and now she’s tipsier than I realized._ He goes to tell her that she’s got it all wrong, that he not only knows Olivia, but that Brian is  **not** her fiancé. Except before he can get a word in, Olivia is already turning and letting her know that she’s not that tipsy, she just had a small panic attack and somehow that made sense. He doesn’t understand what’s happening, and as he goes to follow her out, Fin stands in his way. 

_Oh Fin, hey man sorry. Long time no see,_ Elliot says as he tries to look around him for Olivia. 

_Elliot, good to see you too man. Long time for sure,_ He grabs his arm lightly, and is gesturing him back into the hallway with the bathrooms. _How have you been? How’s the wife and kids? I hear your doing PI work now, how’s that?_ Elliot is so desperately trying to move around Fin to search for Olivia that it isn’t until they’re back in front of the bathroom doors that he realizes what Fin’s just done. He’s distracted him and pulled him far enough to allow Olivia time to leave. He looks at him through confused eyes, but Fin just shrugs. _She’s been through a lot man. I’m just trying to help._ With that, he turns around and makes his way back to the bar. Elliot follows, but he knows that she’s gone. He goes to sit with Mike, and they order a few rounds while he thinks about what’s just happened.

Elliot stops keeping count of the beers he’s had, and as he steps out into the warm summer air, says bye to Mike, and hops into a cab before he can really think about what he’s doing, he’s knocking on her door and hoping she’ll talk to him. He knocks a few times, trying to be as quiet as possible. As he hears the door open, the words are spilling from his mouth before he has time to reel them in. _Liv please just talk to me. I want to know what’s going on._ Except, it’s not Olivia at the door it’s Brian who goes from looking annoyed to smugly condescending. _She doesn’t want to talk to you. Please leave us alone._

He’s drunk and ready to rumble, he’s about to push Cassidy aside and search for her when he hears her footsteps, and she’s pushing her hair behind her ears as she looks over his shoulder. _Babe, it’s uh, it’s okay. Give us a second yeah?_ She moves her hand to his waist and Elliot is definitely going to throw up this time, Cassidy steps aside and looks like he wants to say something else, but she nods at him and he’s walking back to who knows where in the apartment.

_El, not tonight._ She puts her hand on his chest, and despite the situation, it’s bringing him at ease. _But Liv_ , he sounds like a child who isn’t getting his way and he’s suddenly very annoyed with himself. He’s not a child, and he’s made so many changes lately. If she could just see it, they could move past everything together. Together.

Instead, she pushes him into the hallway and whispers, _not tonight_ , sounding like a plea as she quietly closes the door. He’s left standing in the hallway, and as he begins to turn around, he really feels the hallway spin and books it outside as he realizes that she’s sporting a new ring on her finger.


	8. Trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morning visits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First and foremost, I am sorry about the lack of updates. I ran into a bit of writers’ block because I’m foolishly running through SVU and can’t get passed the beginning of S7 for obvious reasons. I’m also sorry this is a short chapter, I promise it will pick up just please bear with me!

Elliot manages to make it outside and hurl the contents of his stomach into a nearby sewer. He leans against the cold brick on her building and steadies his breathing. By the time he controls his anger, and makes his way back home, his head is splitting. He grabs some aspirin, drinks it down with water crashes on the couch. Eyes screwed shut, he’s praying that he’ll wake up tomorrow and all of this will be some bad dream.

How did he miss this? Why didn’t she tell him? How could she?

It’s almost 6 when he wakes up, light pouring through the curtains into the living room. He opens his eyes, and as his body shifts to the side, he can tell he’s still tipsy. Elliot grabs his phone and he makes his way to the bedroom, and he opens his messages. Dread pouring from his body as he dips into the covers, nothing. No calls, no texts. Maybe last night was a nightmare, maybe it didn’t happen, and everything is still okay. 

With heavy eyes, and the room spinning, he works on his New Elliot breathing and manages to fall asleep.

 EOEOEOEOEOEO

_KNOCK.KNOCK.  
_ _KNOCK.KNOCK._

It’s subtle, and he has to focus on it to make sure it’s his own door.

_Tap. Knock. Knock. Tap._

He hears it, and after bracing himself for the hurt his head and body will plow him with the minute he gets up, he actually gets up.

_Com’n_

It’s barely audible, but he swears that he’s shouting at full volume, so the knocking will stop. He passes by the clock in the hallway, 10:27 AM. The blinking green light is offensive and so he pushes the clock to punish it. 

The knocking has stopped, and he wonders if the person on the other end has finally given up, but he marches forward through his living room in bare feet, the faux wood beneath cold. As he swings the door open, not bothering to look at the peephole, he comes face to face with Olivia.

He looks at her face, and then panic sweeps as he forces his gaze down to her hands. No ring, maybe he did dream it.

_I’m not really wearing it at work yet, the squad knows so I’m not keeping it from them. It’s just a new…._ She licks her lips, and it makes him want to reach out and kiss her, _development._

The stand in silence, and he’s so incredibly hungover that he almost misses the way she looks him up and down, _twice._ He looks down and realizes he’s in sweatpants, no socks and more importantly, no shirt. The way his pants hang low don’t leave much to the imagination and he gives her a cocky full on grin, as he catches her eyes the second time. She looks away, almost shy and it gives him a feeling he can’t explain in the pit of his stomach.

_I have coffee, muffins and a Gatorade._ She lifts a plastic bag, showing off the goods.

_Come in, sorry. I’m a little out of it still._ He steps aside to let her through. She walks in, almost cautiously and again he wonders why everyone is so cautious around him. He realizes that she’s never been in his apartment before, and he closes the door to begin showing her around. She sets down the food on the island separating the kitchen to the living room and takes a minute to soak in the apartment. He waits patiently, and when he feels she’s done scoping the place out, he clears his throat and begins his tour.

_That’s my kitchen, my living room. Down the hall there’s my bedroom and the bathroom. There’s also a closet for coats and there’s a broom in there. Oh and a vacuum, and there’s a small spare room for whenever the kids need to stay. It’s not big, but it’s cozy._ She nods, slowly and takes another looks around. This time, she walks up to the wall and sees the pictures in frames. Maureen and Kathleen hung them up a few weeks after he’d moved in, to give the place life they said. He waits for Olivia and she takes her time drinking the pictures in, it’s mostly the kids but there are two of them that he’ll know she’ll take a minute on. One is the entire squad, back when it was Fin, Munch, Olivia and their captain. They’re all laughing, but he’s got this grin and he’s looking at her. It always gives him this warm but aching feeling inside, it’s the best he can do to describe it. He’s talked to his therapist, who gave him the word bittersweet. He thinks it fits well, well enough at least. The other is of the two of them, and they’re both just smiling at the camera. He doesn’t even remember when it was taken, it’s close up and the surroundings aren’t really visible, but she’s smiling and it’s one of his favorite pictures because of it.

She turns around, sits on one of the stools near the island, and begins to take out the food. She doesn’t say anything, just begins to eat her muffin and look at her coffee cup. He doesn’t know what to do, what to say to her or even how to act around her suddenly. For however at home this feels, she remains engaged and out of his reach. It’s not until she’s halfway done with her muffin that she looks at him through sad eyes and he finally feels his feet move toward the island.

He walks toward her, and then turns into the hallway, to grab a shirt. He feels so disconnected from her, he can’t read her properly and it’s hurting more than he’d care to admit. He grabs a blue faded NYPD shirt, pulls it over his head and walks back towards the kitchen. He doesn’t sit on the stools, but stands on the other side of the island, the cold tile under his feet. He grabs a bottle of Advil from the counter, and drinks two with his coffee. They settle into an uncomfortable silence, both avoiding each other’s eyes.

Her phone rings and it startles both of them, as she pulls it from her pocket she forms a small frown before answering. _Hey Bri, oh uhm, I’m out but I can pick up dinner. I’m not really doing much else._ She gives a nervous chuckle and smiles tightly at Elliot. _I was, I don’t really see how that’s an issue. Brian, I don’t want to argue with you about this. If it’s an issue…okay. Okay, see you tonight._ She hangs up and puts her phone to the side and begins to pick at her muffin.

_Trouble in paradise?_ He gives her a fake chuckle and she raises her eyebrows at him before she gives him a small laugh. _I just wanted to see how you were. You looked pretty bad last night, but I guess I did too hm?_ This is how she’s going to address and explain the kiss it seems. He sips his coffee and thinks about what to say. He wants to address it but doesn’t want to push her away. He’s in uncharted territory and doesn’t know how to navigate. 

_Liv, I uh. We need to talk about it, I need to talk about it._ She looks at him, drops the rest of her muffin and begins to get up. He rushes around the island but has to take a step back because his body does not agree with the swift moments he’s making. He reaches out to grab her arm, but she pulls away and almost hisses. He looks at her and tries to get a read on her, but this isn’t Olivia he’s looking at, she seems empty and cold behind those brown eyes. _Liv, what’s going on?_

_I don’t want to talk about it Elliot._ She drops his name with venom, and he doesn’t understand what’s happening. She’s never been one to back down, in fact the only person to ever go head to head with him has always been Olivia. However, she’s out the door before he can react, not that he would even know how to right now. He stands in his living room, and just listens to the city sounds until he feels like he’s spent too long doing nothing, and he turns to get dressed. He’s confused and needs to talk to someone who can tell him what’s going on with her, because he only sees bits of her and in trying to keep a distance and give her privacy, he’s losing her. He doesn’t want to make this call, but he’s going to have to because his gut is telling him that something is off with her and he just can’t place it.

 


	9. Babysteps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Progress can be confusing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry for the longest break in the story! I have some construction happening in my home and have quite literally lost our modem multiple times! 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own.

Two rings, _Cassidy?_

  
_Is that a question?_

He hears a deep overexaggerated sigh, _Stabler_.

He wants to pound his face in, he wants to murder him. _Can we talk?_

The silence is long enough that he almost looks to see if they’ve been disconnected, but the voices on the other end let him know they haven’t been.

_It’s about Liv, right? I’ve got about 10, 20 minutes tops. Meet me in front of our place in an hour?_

Elliot hears himself agree, but as soon as he hangs up, he punches a pillow in his living room. **Our** place, he mimics internally. What is that about? More importantly, after his initial anger subsides, is there something wrong with Liv? How does Cassidy already know he’s going to want to talk instead of pummeling him into the ground? Maybe he doesn’t, maybe he just wants to rub it in that she’s going to, that she’s…he pounds his fists into the pillow again.

When he finally calms down, it’s almost time to meet Cassidy. He makes his way to the door; his feet are dragging, and he’s upset with himself. This isn’t about him, or how he feels. This is about Olivia and finding out what’s going on with her. Still, he can’t help the knots that form in this stomach and he drives to… to that apartment.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

He gets there 10 minutes early and waits outside. It’s a hard risk, Olivia might be on her way home or already there looking down at him, but he isn’t hiding. By the time Cassidy arrives, he’s been waiting for 7 minutes.

They both stand there, eyeing each other in what seems like the longest standoff. Elliot sighs, and takes a step forward. New Elliot needs to come through for him, this is the only way to find out what is going on with Olivia.

_Thanks for meeting me. I really appreciate it._

Cassidy nods slowly, and then meets him the rest of the way on the sidewalk. _I uh, she hasn’t been herself. I thought my being there, and therapy and her friends all being there, I thought it would get better._ Elliot nods, trying his hardest not to squint in his direction, praying his eyes stay clear and that his features give nothing away. _She seemed to be okay, and I figured that meeting with you was helping, so I never pushed her against it. Anything to help her get past this, you know?_   So, he did know about those morning meetings, he feels a clench in his throat, some sort of jealousy that he’s never felt before.  _I asked her to marry me, I’d maybe hoped it would help. I know it sounds dumb, but the worst she could have said was no. Except, she didn’t. I’m happy, but she’s not I guess, not really. And now she’s drinking more than normal. She’s not at work full time so she’ll drink when she’s not because they don’t even have her catching when she does come home. I thought maybe once she got back to work, or I don’t know maybe once she’d let go of you. She stopped seeing you for a while, right? She’s all over the map man, I don’t know what to do._

Cassidy looks at Elliot, almost expectantly. He doesn’t know what to say to him, doesn’t know how to help. Finally, Cassidy just shrugs, does a weird half laugh and says goodnight. Elliot stands there, still unsure of what the hell is going on and how he could possibly help. He finally heads back to his apartment, hoping to regroup.

On his drive home, he thinks back to what Cassidy said. _Once she let go of him_ , what did that mean? And she’d been drinking more, that reminded him of what the woman in the bar said when she kissed him. She hadn’t addressed it the next day, she’d avoided the night in general but maybe she didn’t actually remember the kiss. He tries too hard to go back to that night, to look for clues. By the time he pulls up to his apartment, his head is pounding.

EOEOEOEOEO

He debates calling her, especially because she doesn’t reply to his texts anymore. Two weeks later and there’s no reply on her end at all, honestly, he almost debates just confronting her in person. He drops Eli off at Kathy’s and makes the call, trying not to overthink it. It rings twice before she finally answers it, his stomach drops when she does.

_Oh, El, hey._

She’s drunk, he can tell right off the bat and begins to map out the ride to her place, it’s 3 in the afternoon, what the hell is she doing? _El?_ Oh, right, he has to actually use words before he can talk to her about anything. _Yeah, sorry. Liv are you…. I’m heading to your place. That okay?_

He can almost hear her thinking, contemplating. _Cassidy will be home around 5, can I meet you somewhere?_ He feels his chest compress, and he’s almost saying the words without air in between, _I can pick you up stay where you’re at Liv, I can be at your place in a few. Just give me a bit okay?_

 _Mhmm, okay. I’ll get ready._ She says before she hangs up, and suddenly he goes from doing 40 to 80, racing to her.

She’s sitting on the passenger side, looking out the window quietly. He didn’t say anything right off the bat, just picked her up from the street in front of her place. They rode in silence, not uncomfortable just a type of lazy silence that neither wanted to break.

By the time they’re pulling up to his place, he’s driven around the block twice trying to find parking. They find a spot across the street, and he puts his hand on her lower back as he makes his way. Despite everything that’s happening, some things keep him grounded and this is one of them. She doesn’t stiffen or try to outwalk him, and so he guides her into his building with his hand on the lower back. It’s not until they’re at the front door of his apartment that he finally breaks off.

Once they step inside, she sits on the island stool and he walks around and grabs them each a glass of water. He slides hers across, and she arches her brow at him. He shrugs and begins to drink his water, she follows his example. They stay in this silence until they both run out of water to sip, and he finally walks over to his couch. As he sits, he slows his breathing and tries to remember that New Elliot isn’t the type to accuse her of anything, he’s the type of person to try and talk things out. They aren’t partners at work anymore, they’re friends and as a friend he can be concerned and voice those concerns without bringing up work. So, here he goes…

She turns over on the stool and watches him, he can see it out of the corner of his eye, and it unsteadies him. He wants to walk over and shake sense into her, but words are what will probably be best. Again, he thinks, and he breathes in and out, here he goes…

 _Elliot, you’ve been sitting there breathing in and out for a while. Just say it. If you need liquor courage…._ She trails off with a grin.

He gets up, he looks in her direction, but at the island instead of her. _Liv, what the fuck is going on?_ She’s struck a nerve and he’s trying to control himself. This isn’t her, this isn’t his Olivia and it’s getting him angrier every time he sees her. She’s stronger than this, he knows she is, so why isn’t she acting like it? When he finally gets the courage to look at her full on, she’s the one looking away from him. She’s looking at the floor, small pools in her eyes, but her walls up. He sees the tears she’s trying to hide, and his anger evaporates. He walks up to her, and he slides his hands to her cheek, lifting her face and finally meeting her eyes. _Liv, what is going on? Please talk to me._ He sees anger flashing briefly in her eyes, and it’s his Olivia for a split second again. She pushes his hand from her face, _Oh, like you talked to me after the Jenna incident? Like you opened yourself up and talked to me when you put in your papers? Like you talked to me every single night that I called and texted you for weeks, no months after that? Yeah okay._ She makes a move to push him away from her, but he’s already expecting it and braces himself for the push. She’s sobering down quick, and her strength is there. He buckles for a second but is a steady wall and doesn’t budge. _I get it Liv, I fucked up. Trust me, I know I did, but this isn’t about me. This is about you, and I’m here now. You’re here now. So, let’s do this, together._ She bunches his shirt in her hands and tries again to push him, _there is no us Elliot. If I’m going to move past this, who helped me move past this already, was Brian._ He moves his arms around her and braces her. She’s going to try and break him down, but it’s clear to him that Cassidy is helping her in no way, he can’t because he’s not right for her. He puts his lips to her ear, and whispers, _Except you got into my car today. You kissed me twice while being with him, and really Liv, I’m the one you’ve wanted all this time just like I’ve wanted you. So, let’s cut the bullshit and help you get better. Please._ He feels her let out a small gasp, and she’s pushing him away even harder now, and as he pulls back, he sees her crying.

 _Fuck you Elliot, fuck you fuck you fuck you._ She’s repeating it over and over like a mantra, she’s saying it so fast that she’s gasping for air within minutes. She’s crying and clutching onto him, swearing at him over and over, he’s moving back but her fists are clenched so tight that they’re holding him to her. He doesn’t know what to do, but he stands there firm and begins to rub her arms, slowly trying to calm her down. He doesn’t know how long they stand there, but eventually she’s worn herself out and begins to hiccup. She’s stopping cursing him and has calmed her breathing by the time she lets go of him. He walks around the island again and refills her water, she drinks it slowly and takes a small moment to control her breathing in between hiccups. _I need to lay down, I’ll take a cab home._ She finishes her water and puts the glass down. As she begins to step off the stool, Elliot runs around and stops her. _Rest here, for now?_

She closes her eyes, and he can tell that she’s considering her options. Go home now and try to talk to Brian or stay here and rest. _Fuck you_ , she whispers quietly, and he can tell that she’s decided to stay. Baby steps, he thinks, it’s how he’s gotten better. It’s how he’ll help her.


End file.
